November 4, 2005
I went to the park today… I didn’t have the intention of going to the park I just ended up there. I thought that studying as my coping mechanism had gotten a little out of hand so I went for a run.
After getting back to my building I realized I wasn’t ready to go back. I wasn’t ready to face real life again.
I decided to walk to City Park.
I got there, walked around the lake and saw the playground. I felt as though the swings were calling my name. I went, sat down and started to swing as high as I could. The cold breeze was blowing against my face and giving me goose bumps on my arms and legs. I watched the children on the playground and began to remember that sort of life.
I closed my eyes and remembered the day when I was taught how to “pump” on the swings. I remembered when I let the girl at the park who I didn’t know cut my bangs and my mom got mad. I remembered playing make-believe at the playground for hours on end. I sat there with my eyes closed, swinging, for ages.
I opened my eyes, looked to my left, and there was a little girl, probably about 6, looking up at me. Her eyes were dark, almost black. They were deep, telling. I could see in her eyes what she wanted. She wanted to be me. She wanted to be grown up, in college, able to go to the park by herself, without her mom watching from the picnic table.
As I looked into her eyes, all I wanted was to be her.
I wanted to be 6 without a care in the world. I wanted going to the park to be the highlight of my day. I wanted to learn to swing. I wanted to play make-believe for hours on end.
All she wanted was to be me, and all I wanted was to be her…
When it is that life stops being fun and starts being scary?
I heard somewhere that upwards of 90% of college students report being lonely. At a time in our lives where we constantly have people surrounding us we are more lonely than ever. We have so many people in our lives, yet how many of them are worthwhile? At a time in our life when we need the support of others more than ever, when we are working out who we are and what we want to be. A time when we are sorting through those memories and people from high school, trying to determine what is worth holding on to and what we really need to let go, we don’t have anyone. At a time when family is no longer the sun in our universe…we don’t have others to take that place.
I think that people are scared. People know that building worthwhile relationships takes time, effort and vulnerability. Who is to say that relationship is going to be around in a month, or two or 5? What is it that we gain out of building worthwhile, intimate relationships? Pain. Sorrow. Fear. Loss. That’s what we seem to get. But what is it that we get when we choose not to build those relationships? We find ourselves lonely and scared. Is that any better?
I watch people all around me lead these shallow, disconnected lives. Nothing is of any significance. If I see a guy at a party, make out with him…it doesn’t matter if I ever see him again because there was no feeling behind that. Since when was a kiss not a sign of intimacy? That is its purpose, its key. We meet someone in class, yet don’t bother to learn or remember their name. A person’s name is their source of identity. By learning someone’s name we show that we care. We make friends, yet don’t share ourselves with them. We don’t want them to know the ugly parts within ourselves. If they knew of those, they surely wouldn’t want to be friends. But isn’t that what friendship is? Isn’t friendship a sharing of yourself with another person? A mutual support?
I am guilty too. It is so easy to go about life on the surface. That way, we don’t get hurt. Unfortunately, we just end up lonely. Loneliness and sadness go hand in hand. We keep in inside and it breeds. It doesn’t heal. It doesn’t go away. It multiplies. It expands.
It expands until we have a campus of 25,000 lonely people.
It makes me sad.
The suicide rate has risen exponentially in the last few decades. I think loneliness has something to do with it.
If we would learn to rely on others maybe this world wouldn’t be so dark and so grey. If someone would let us in on the secret that everyone else is lonely too, maybe we could feel alone together. If someone told us that our generation is slowly going to kill ourselves, either literally or figuratively, maybe we would want to step up.
What is it that we have to do to step up? Rely on each other. Don’t live in fear of pain. Be willing to make yourself vulnerable. Realize that our relationships are the foundation of our lives. If they are not solid, nothing is.
Damn it, lets start building.
Sitting at the park, I wanted to continue swinging forever. I wanted to feel as though I was that little girl sitting next to me, that little girl I once was. When I was small, every friendship I had got the best of me. I loved freely, without fear. I loved, and I was happy. I know in the end, it is not that simple, but for now, I am going to think of it as so.
I want to be a little girl who’s happiness is provided by the love that she so freely gives.
